Ha! That got your attention. OK, firstly - I couldn’t even tell you how to have a guaranteed orgasm right now. Secondly - if it was as simple as ordering from a menu, the majority of us would leap at it….but seeing as it isn’t; we need to ‘work’ at it, get informed & get lucky. Thirdly - reach for the stars; you might not get the orgasms, but you’d probably be content with an ecstatic, or positive birth.

I had an ecstatic birth experience with my second (which was not what I had expected); I was in a delicious, altered state (ex-statis) but I have to add that the peaks of the contractions still hurt. Let’s get real…I wasn’t Hypnobirthing (why?!) I could manage the contractions, though; I could do it (as

my badass birth affirmation cards say: ‘60 seconds, I can hang on for 60 fucking seconds’). I remember feeling great in between surges & thinking I might come, but the waves I was riding were huge & the notion of directing the ship was laughable.

Birth Hormones 101:

You need Oxytocin: your own natural Oxytocin. It crosses the blood-brain barrier & produces a morphine-like response. Not the synthetic kind of Oxytocin that gives you super-strong contractions without the natural painkilling response.

Oxytocin is primarily the hormone of love, birth & sex. It is a ‘shy’ hormone & comes out when you feel secure, safe, unobserved, supported, loved & confident. It likes darkness or candlelight, no chatter, no questions, warmth, kisses, cuddles, arousal & privacy.

Oxytocin has an arch-enemy that it cannot co-exist with: hormones of the Adrenaline family. Fear hormones literally block the receptors that birth’s best love hormone fit into. They have the same ‘key’ & Adrenaline has more muscle.

This mechanism is basic evolutionary survival - we don’t feel the urge to relax or make love when we are in danger. If we’re in labour and a predator comes along, everything stops & we escape (as did our ancestors who lived to tell the tale & reproduce). Paradoxically in very late labour, a threat can have the opposite effect - the baby is born quickly so the mother can escape. These days that ‘lion’ threat has become the threat of intervention (c-section, transfer, etc).

>>Adrenaline & Oxytocin Antagonism>>

Note: This is just one of the hormones of the Adrenaline family.

So, you need to do everything you can to keep off of the cycle below left, which is painful & progresses more slowly (& often with complications)…and on the right path. This may happen by luck, or you may have to work at it…. all.through.your.pregnancy.

A better birth really is worth the investment of time & (possibly even) money, but most people spend more on their weddings or holidays than they would consider investing in the best possible birth experience.

What you can do:

1. Get positive – read positive birth stories and books that appeal to you. For birth stories I like ‘Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth’ & the website http://www.tellmeagoodbirthstory.com. I also love Bump by Kate Evans & The Positive Birth Book by Milli Hill. Tell anyone intent on sharing negative stories to shut.the.fuck.up.

2. Watch positive films like Orgasmic Birth. I saw an interview with the husband of a loved-up woman shown giving birth in the film, where when asked ‘what did you think when you saw your wife having an orgasm?’ He responded ‘Well, it’s not unusual’!

3. Arousal & orgasm have a natural, painkilling response. I’m not suggesting you get into S&M. I’m suggesting you make this work for you. If, through pregnancy you use orgasm for aches & pains, this is more likely to become your conditioned response in labour. Each time you do this, you’re strengthening your neural pathways for pleasure. Pathways well travelled become roads & eventually highways. We are creatures of habit. We can totally do this with self pleasure, but if you have a partner, their involvement in this plan is a win-win; not only can it be good for your relationship, actually explaining why you want to do this means they start to understand both the hormones of birth & Adrenaline/Oxytocin antagonism. Cue ‘I have a headache’ becoming like a red rag to a bull!

4. Go to Positive Birth groups. http://www.positivebirthmovement.org They’re free & you get to meet other parents-to-be, share your knowledge & get well informed.

5. You might want to hire a doula (a non-medical birth assistant) to give you continuous support throughout your pregnancy & birth. This needn’t be expensive. There are trainee doulas, as well as voluntary doulas working through the https://doula.org.uk access fund. Numerous studies have shown that doula supported births are in general shorter, with fewer requests for pain medication, fewer medical interventions & result in greater maternal satisfaction. See http://www.cochrane.org/CD003766/PREG_continuous-support-women-during-childbirth

6. Do check out the website https://spinningbabies.com - daily exercises for optimal fetal positioning are a very good idea if you want a straightforward birth.

7. Assemble a ‘birth tool kit’: look into what might help you & pick & choose: you might like prenatal yoga classes, meditation, acupuncture, osteopathy or massage. You might want to use a birth pool, a tens machine, an Epi-no, a CUB birth support or a birth ball. You might also like to print out some birth affirmations https://www.pinterest.co.uk/explore/birth-affirmations/ or collect images that are relevant to you; this might be a beautiful rose softly opening or a raging, roaring tiger (nobody checks a tiger’s cervix)!

Early labour is a great time for sensuous massage and a bit of nookie, or self -pleasure. Established labour can be too intense to start. Even a juicy kiss in established labour brings on stronger contractions, which you may find good…or not!

Almost all births are home births at first & this is the perfect point to ramp up the love hormones – make the most of any private time, until you reach the magic 3-in-10 point (three regular contractions in ten minutes). If you have a partner who’s not keen, or if they’re settling the kids, then for heaven’s sake, take matters into your own hands…it’s all in your hands…a bit of preparation for a better birth can go a very long way.